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Realization of the Afternoon

Today after a great conversation about relationships, I realized that I do not know myself as well as I once thought I did.  I am so glad that God created us to live in community, as a family to encourage, speak truth and identity into one another.  Ever since Megan and I broke up in December I have been in a state of having little to no desire to date.  Yes, I still find women attractive, and get caught up in the chase, but with minimal desire to pursue a relationship that resembles dating.  I have been wrestling with why dating leaves a bad taste in my mouth, because I know that pursuing relationships to the furtherance of the kingdom is amazing.  I have so many examples of how the Lord used dating relationships to transform communities, hearts, and advance the kingdom.

I have been pressing in deeper to as to why I am dating averse.  A few weeks back we talked at midtown about being risk adverse and lacking faith, that is why we do not act in a manner that lines up with the words coming from our lips.  We desire to see the kingdom come but we do not have faith that the Lord will use us if we step out and risk something.  If we risk our title, our prestige, our prominence we do not actually have the faith to trust that the Lord will show up, that he will actually be glorified through our actions.  This thought was almost completely tangential but I really love it and am glad I flushed it out more in writing.

Here is what I wrote in my Field Notes(I write in thoughts not sentences),


Reason I don't like the way I have dated is because I isolate myself from the people and actions that give me life, focus on one person who can not give me that, then get slightly depressed and blame it on the relationship

The reason that this thought prompted me to write is because I need to actively dive deeper into the truths about myself and my actions spoken through these words.  
  • First, as I reflect upon past dating relationships, I see myself stepping into what feels like a bad marriage, I detach myself emotionally over time, I focus more and more on the physical to make the relationship valuable in some way.  This destroys me because the Lord has spoken that I am to be a Pillar of Purity, but when I seek the physical it ends up trying to steal my purity.  Oh and for anyone offended by this writing, I am being overly blunt to prove a point to myself, not trying to attack any parties who were involved!  
  • Second, I remove myself from friends who I need to be with, remove myself from ministry that I need to be participating in, remove myself from God because I tend to make the woman my God.  This type of idolatry is what really brought me towards the Lord coming into school, he desires all of my affection and worship, but I tend to throw that towards a human and that does not end well for me!  I love how this topic ties back into so many of the aspects of my life, but really it makes perfect sense why the Lords pursuit of us is as a martial relationship!  
  • Third, I tend to get into a funk during these past dating relationships where I expect the other person to do something for me that they can not do!  What has filled me in the recent few months has been, meeting with guys and talking about the Lord and why he is so amazing, spending time in worship giving my praise and energy and everything to God, being poured into spiritually, emotionally, socially, physically by the men around me.  I find myself detached from those relationships and the damage is so large that I get decently depressed, I cut myself off from my life source and now life sucks!
  • Fourth, since life now sucks I decided to blame it on the lady friend, the devil convinces me that all dating is bad, and I listen to remove that woman from my life.  This action in the past has proved to be beneficial in the long term because it forces my attention back to those things that give me life and draw me closer to the Lord.  This reinforces my stigma towards dating and makes me even more frustrated.
All of that being said, I want to be able to learn from my past, learn what the Lord has been saying, and step forward in life not being afraid of dating, being able to lead men into health dating relationships, and foster the love for Christ in everyone one I interact with!

All is Great on this pollen filled afternoon!
Paul Shackelford
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