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What Keeps Me Awake at Night

You can tell what you really care about when it keeps you awake at night.  Tonight(10/8/2013 11:55pm) I have been unable to sleep due to the current state of sexuality on my campus and the college culture towards sexuality in general.  Therefore I am going to write until I get tired and can close my eyes without the rush of these thoughts.  Two summers ago while at SDP an identity was spoken over me that often haunts me...  I am called a Pillar of Purity, often times in my life I have not walked in this identity!  I have taken my sexuality and traded it for instant satisfaction, throughout high school I dove head first seeking all of the gratification I could.  I ran from the Lord mainly in this area of my life...  I would wake up on Sunday and head to church and feel intense guilt and shame for my sin but would not change my ways.  Feeling the guilt of sin often drives me further from the Lord and deeper into that sin!  Therefore it was such an amazing feeling to arrive at Tech and meet a community that opened my eyes to how the Father sent his son not to condemn us but set us free.  Oh how sweet freedom feels, life rushes into dead areas and Love is born!  Jesus came to this world not to condemn those who walk away but to offer them life and Love!  Therefore when I see people not aware of this God who cares so much for his children that he sent his own son to die so that they could have Life, my heart breaks!  My heart breaks even more when I see friends of mine fall back into sin that once captured my soul and would not let me free.  When I meditate on sin my mind is utterly lost and I can not think of anything else.  The Father has placed a calling upon my life to fight for the purity of those around me.  Thus when I see my brothers and sisters, believers and nonbelievers walking in sexual sin my heart is destroyed!  I do not know what to say, what to think, or have any clue what I should do.  Often I am left laying in my bed with the one question running through my head...  WHY!?!? WHY!?!? There is no answer to my questions...  I know most of the cookie cutter answers to my question but none of them answer what I am really asking.   What I am really asking is why has Jesus not come back to this broken place and fully restored all of it.  I want to see the day when sexuality in its entirety is enjoyed for its entire purpose of unity and intimacy.  Oh the day when Heaven finally comes to Earth and the new Heavens and the New Earth are established.  I know I am running all over the place but this is my simply spilling my thoughts...   What breaks my heart and keeps me from sleeping will be different than what keeps you up at night but just know that God is knocking on your heart.  That knocking is an invitation into knowing who he has created you to be and how you are to glorify him as you live out of your passions.


I am finishing up this post this morning(10/9/3012 9:55am) and I simply sit in a very humbled state because of the God I fear and Love.  For his Love is sweeter than life itself and his glory eclipses every idol we could ever worship!  Jesus is the reason that now I can come to the creator of the universe and lay my heart out and allow him to cover me with peace.  His mercies are new every morning!

Resting in the House of my Lord
Paul Shackelford
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